GET A LIFE SCRIPT -- DRIVERS LICENSE


 7.  11/11/90  "DRIVERS LICENSE"
 Writer/Director: David Mirkin

 Chris falls in love with a new waitress, but she won't go out with him
 unless he picks her up in a car.  Unfortunately Chris does not have a
 license.  After flunking the driving test, he steals Fred's car to go 
 on the date and winds up in a high-speed chase with the police.

    Jane .............. Anastasia Barzee
    Officer Hickox .... Don Sparks
    Officer Gordon .... Michael Leopard
    Billy ............. Bo Sharon
    Eddie ............. Wesley Jonathan
 


RESTAURANT

CHRIS -- Oh wow, look at her. 
BILLY -- She's just a new waitress.
CHRIS -- Yeah that's what you say now but as soon as my back's turned you'll
be all over her. I know how you little puberty-hounds act. Just back off
okay? I saw her first. I'm going over to the eighteen and older section.  Hi,
excuse us. Hi. Has anyone ever told you that the flourescent lighting in here
brings out a lovely pale-green glow in your skin.
JANE -- No, thank god.
CHRIS -- I'm Chris Peterson and ah, you're probably going to be seeing an
awful lot of me cause I'm kind of a regular here.
JANE -- Really. 
CHRIS --Mmm hmm. Hey, you're not that weird guy who still has a paper route
are you?
CHRIS -- Yeah well, but I'm head paperboy, boss to every kid I see. 
JANE -- Oh boy.
CHRIS -- Mmm Hmm. 
JANE -- A man with power.
CHRIS -- It's ah, It's really kind of a lifestyle choice Jane. See, it's nine
a.m. and my day's already done leaving me free to experience life to the
fullest, like maybe with you--tonight.
JANE -- Thanks, but I don't think so.
CHRIS -- Jane, I'm going to be very honest with you. I find you very
attractive and very interesting. If you turn me down I'll just keep asking
and then I'll start calling and then I'll start writing you endless notes,
dogging your every move, showing up outside your bedroom window at all hours
of the night. It'll turn into one of those really obsessive fatal attraction
deals and it'll probably end with the death of one or both of us, or we can
just go out on one little stupid date it's up to you. (laughs)
JANE --  Why not, I like a sense of humor.
CHRIS -- Okay, well I wasn't joking but if you took it that way fine.
JANE -- I get off work at six you can show me around your town. 
CHRIS -- Great. You are gonna look mighty fine on the handle bars of my bike.
 
JANE -- Excuse me?
CHRIS -- Yeah.
JANE -- Don't you think we'd be better of in a car? 
CHRIS -- A car.  Ahh yeah or, or we could just walk around.
JANE -- Wait a minute you do drive don't you?
CHRIS -- Well ah...um...I...uh...sheese..
JANE-- Are you telling me you don't drive a car?
CHRIS --  No a car. Oh yes I drive a car. I drive a car. (laughs) Why
wouldn't I drive a car?
JANE -- Then what was all that ah, um mm stuff about?
CHRIS -- Well that's just some medication that I'm on, I'm sorry.
JANE -- Uh huh. Look maybe we should just forget about this, you're starting
to give me the creeps. 
CHRIS -- Jane look just relax okay, I promise you everything will be fine.
I'll pick you up at six. 
JANE -- In a car?
CHRIS -- Yeah in a car, what else?
JANE -- Okay.
CUSTOMER -- Excuse me miss? Could we order now?  
CHRIS -- Hey, hey back off. Can't you see she's in love.

POTTERS DRIVEWAY

LARRY --  ....drive. 
CHRIS -- Larry there's a big difference here I just never got a drivers
license but I took Driver's Ed just like everybody else is school. 
LARRY -- Yes but you never got your license and I told you you would regret
it.
CHRIS -- But Larry I don't regret it. Getting a drivers license is a very
dangerous thing. First you get a drivers license and then you gotta get car
insurance, then you gotta buy a car and then before you know it your fooling
around in the back seat you gotta couple of kids you're married and your
life's a living hell.
LARRY -- You're describing my life.
CHRIS -- Oh.....I'm sorry. Well you know, one man's living hell is another
man's....endless nightmare. (laughs)  No I'm, I'm just joking Larry, really
Sharon's lovely.
LARRY -- Chris, why all of a sudden do you want to drive?
CHRIS -- Well Larry, there comes a time in every man's life when he, he wants
to mature as a human being and, and grow and.....Alright Larry I met a very
cute girl. 
LARRY -- And now I'm supposed to teach you how to drive?
CHRIS -- Larry you don't have to teach me. I already know how to drive. I've
been watching people drive for years; Mannix ah, Barnaby Jones, The Dukes of
Hazard. I know all the moves. Now, how do you get in one of these things? 
LARRY -- Chris, if I'm going to teach you how to drive you have to be
serious. Driving is not a joke. 
CHRIS --  Oh no. 'Course not, heaven forbid. 
LARRY -- Before you enter the vehicle it is proper to inspect the outside for
any problems; low tire inflation, debris in the grillwork that could abstruct
air flow, anything that could impede safe motoring. 
CHRIS -- Larry it's really not necessary to act like Mr. Official Idiot to
teach me. 
LARRY -- What do you mean, I do this every morning before I drive.
CHRIS -- Oh, well that's, that's very admirable Larry. 

INSIDE LARRY'S CAR

LARRY -- Now the first thing I like to do is make sure that the rear view
mirrors are properly set, check and make sure the seat is at the right
height, check and see that the windows are clear of all obstructions and put
on my seat belt and check for any wear or frawing points.
CHRIS -- Larry just out of curiosity, what time do you have to get up in the
morning to go to work, three a.m.?
LARRY --  Chris, driving is not a right, it is a privilege. Now it is an
awesome responsibility handling a vehicle of this size and power. You can
never be too careful.
CHRIS -- No I agree with you a hundred percent. Now how do you get one of
these babies up on two wheels?
LARRY -- Before you go into the street, always look in both directions, both
right and left and, this is valuable, right again. 
Now, it's all clear but I like to give a friendly "toot" on the horn just to
let 'em know I'm coming. 
CHRIS -- A friendly "toot."? (laughs) What an old woman.
LARRY --  Okay Mr. Know-it-All I guess I just can't teach you anything?
CHRIS -- No Larry you can't, so why don't you just take my down and I'll take
the test right now. 
LARRY --  Chris, it takes months to learn how to drive. You're never gonna
pass. 
CHRIS -- Larry don't be ridiculous I remember all this stuff from Drivers Ed,
you just steer with that thing and you, you stop with one of those pedal
gizmo dealie things. Come on, let's go.
LARRY -- Okay... we'll just see about that...moron.

ROAD TEST

CHRIS -- Goodafternoon officer. I'm Chris Peterson and I'd just like to say
that I'm thrilled that you'll be giving me my driver's test today. Look very
handsome and smart in that uniform and here's a shiny new apple for you.
STATE TROOPER -- Look, let's get through this without all the yackity yack.
Keep your mouth shut. Do as your told and we'll get along fine. Let me see
your learners permit. 
CHRIS -- My, aren't we a grumpy bear.
TROOPER -- What the hell? You just got this today.
CHRIS -- Yeah (laughs) I know it looks like I'm kinda rushing things but ah,
I've got a really hot date tonight and I need a car. If you know what I mean.
(laughs) I think you're gonna be pretty impressed at how good I am behind the
wheel. Not that that matters much these days. I mean with these new airbags
you can pretty much crash full speed into anything and walk away, right?
TROOPER -- Mr. Peterson, sit there quietly while I finish filling out this
information.

CHRIS -- Sorry. (Takes the officer's gun) What is this, one of those nine
shooters?
TROOPER -- Mr. Peterson.  Give me that you idiot. That is a felony Mister!  
CHRIS -- Jeeze I'm sorry I thought you knew what I was doing.  You know it's
not good for a cop not to know if somebody's taking their gun. Is that why
they put you on this sissy detail?
TROOPER -- Mr. Peterson this is a duty of all State Troopers. 
CHRIS -- Yeah, I believe that one. I just love those episodes of "Baretta"
where he had to give the driver's test. 
TROOPER -- We all pull this assignment three days a month. I've been giving
this test for over fifteen years.
CHRIS -- Well hey, well you must know my good friend Larry Potter. You
remember him? He's one of those real baby drivers though. You know, "Oh let
me check the mirrors before I pull out and make sure my seat belts in and
oooo..." 
TROOPER -- Please! Mr. Peterson, pull into traffic
CHRIS -- Finally. Okay now you just sit back, relax and enjoy the ride.
You're in for a little treat here. 
TROOPER -- (groans) 
(Chris turns on the radio which plays "Billy Don't Be A Hero" by Terry Jacs) 
TROOPER --  Mr. Peterson, you want to turn off the radio? 
CHRIS -- What? 
TROOPER -- Turn of the radio!
CHRIS -- Oh come on, this is my favorite. (Trooper turns off radio) Eeejgh.
You could have tuned around for something you liked. 
Hey. Get a load. Mr. Haircut over there wants to race. "Hey pal, you'd be
chokin' on my dust if I didn't have the fuzz in here with me." 
TROOPER -- Mr. Peterson.
CHRIS -- Drivers like that are a hazard.
TROOPER -- Make a left here.
CHRIS -- Okay. No problem. One left comin' up and here she goes. Eh heh heh
hey. Like it so far? Not bad huh? Hey, watch it grandma! I'm trying to take a
driver's test here! Sheesh. Old ladys and firetrucks, they think they own the
road. (Whistle blows and they screech to a halt) Ah jeeze. Ah man, that
crossing guard came out of nowhere. What a jerk. (time elapses)
And here we are, safe and sound.  So how'd I do?
TROOPER -- Mr. Peterson, not only would I never, in a million years, give you
a license, but I am going to suspend your learners permit. (tears up permit
and hands Chris the shreads)
CHRIS -- Well, I'm not...that familiar with your technical paperwork
procedures. What do I do,turn this in for my drivers license?

LARRY'S CAR

CHRIS -- He flunked me just because of the color of my skin.
LARRY -- Chris, he flunked you because you acted like a total moron. You're
lucky he didn't throw us in jail.  
 CHRIS -- Anh, he was just jealous because I got his gun away from him. It
was obvious I could handle that car with my eyes closed, a skill, by the way,
I demonstrated to him at least ten times. 
LARRY -- Well I guess you can just kiss your hot date goodbye.
CHRIS -- Larry, I cannot let a girl that fantastic slip through my fingers,
I'm sorry. Look, I'm sure I'll pass the test the next time I take it. In the
meantime, I just need a car for one night. This one's a little dorkie but
it'll do.
LARRY - Forget it Chris. Look, why can't you just explain to your parents
what happened and maybe you can get your dad to drive you on this date.  
CHRIS -- Are you nuts? There's nothing more embarassing than having your dad
drive you on a date. I learned that hard lesson in my mid-twenties. Besides,
if my parents knew I took the test and failed, it would break their poor old
hearts. Naw, the only thing I can do is wait till they're asleep tonight and
then steal their car. 

THE DATE

JANE -- This is your car?
CHRIS -- Yup. I know a lot of the young kids nowadays are into those
unpatriotic foreign rinky-dinky jobs but ah, give me jumbo boat of a
gass-guzzler made right here in the good U S of A anytime. (laughs) 
JANE -- I just never pictured you in one of these.
CHRIS -- My, we're not very trusting, are we? The next thing you'll be
wanting to see my drivers license. Look missy, this is my car and my car
alone, okay? No questions asked. And it is for damn well sure not my parent's
car. Now, what kind of music do you like to listen to, we've got a hundred
eight tracks here. We've got ah, Bobby Vinton. We've got Jack Jones. We've
got Andrea Kastaloon...ney yea say....
JANE -- That's okay. That's okay. Why don't you just show me around town like
we planned.
CHRIS -- Great idea, Nobody knows this berg like me. (clears throat) Right
over there, that's the gas station. And ah, I don't know if you can see it
but that's the ah, unleaded pump right there. And ah, right next to it's the
super-unleaded pump. 

KITCHEN

FRED -- Gladys?
GLADYS -- Hm?
FRED -- Do you remember me parking the car in the driveway earlier today? 
GLADYS -- Yes.
FRED -- And are we senile?
GLADYS -- No.
FRED --  Then some horse's ass has stolen our car.
GLADYS -- Oh.

DATE

CHRIS -- And ah. Oh, right over there there's the video store. You know
they're talking about eliminating the X-rated section. I've had a few
sleepless nights over that one, I don't mind tellin' ya.

KITCHEN 

GLADYS -- More cookies and milk officers?
OFFICER HICKOX --  Ah no thanks Mrs. Peterson. Ah we were already full of
donuts when we got here.
GLADYS -- And I thought that was just  a stupid comedy stereotype.
HICKOX -- No ma'am. We love 'em anytime, all the time.  You don't have any do
ya?
GLADYS -- Sorry.
HICKOX -- Well I think we have all the information we need on the missing
vehicle. We'll get right on it. 
FRED -- I can't tell you how much it burns me that some horse's ass can steal
your car just like that. Did I mention that there was an enormous collection
of eight tracks in there?
HICKOX -- Yes, yes. And I can assure you that we'll do everything humanly
possible to get your vehicle back to ya Fred. 
FRED -- You know I'm not gonna be able to sleep tonight. Could I ride around
with you guys a while? I want to be there when you catch that stickin'
horse's ass.
HICKOX -- I'm afraid that violates every rule in the book. But okay.
FRED -- Hey, great.

DATE 

CHRIS -- Ah, now right over there, there's the Polcheck's house. You know I
haven't see them for quite a few days and there's a horrible stench coming
that place. I'll wait a couple of weeks and then report it. (laughs) I'm just
joking. That's newspaper boy gallows humor. 
JANE -- Gee, it's really great how you have a story for each and every house.

CHRIS -- Well.
JANE -- But actually I thought this date was going to be a little more
exciting. Do you think we could pick up the pace? 
(police lights appear behind them)
CHRIS -- I don't think there should be too much problem with that. (Chase
begins.)
JANE -- What's going on?
CHRIS -- Nothing Jane, I'm just picking up the pace like you asked. There's
the Phillip's house and, and there's Resnick's and the Nealen's and the
Gross's and down there....
JANE -- Oh no, look Chris the police are after us.
CHRIS --Ah, why would you say something like that? 
JANE --  Because they're right behind us with lights flashing and sirens
going.
CHRIS -- Woah (laughs) Yeah, you're right. I'm sure they're not after us. 
POLICE LOUDSPEAKER -- You in the grey car, pull over.
CHRIS -- Huh. Well, there doesn't seem to be any other grey cars in the
vicinity, does there? Well, they may be after us but you know, I bet it's
just something simple, maybe my tail lights out or something like that.  You
know what? Instead of stopping and letting them bog down our date, why don't
we just try to out-run 'em. 
JANE -- Chris, what is going on!
CHRIS --  Well Jane... it's like this.. I. Hey look there's the Phillip's
house. Those people are nutty. They've got the funnie....
JANE -- Chris!
CHRIS -- Allright, look Jane, on a purely technical level, I don't
officially, legally have a driver's license. 
JANE -- What? How could you do this? Boy you know the moment I met you a
voice in my head said you were a crazy psycho. Why didn't I listen? 
CHRIS -- That's right Jane, I am crazy--crazy in love. ( takes rapid breaths)
The moment I met you this morning something happened, something magical,
something mystical and, and well something biological but I don't want to go
into that right now. The point is, I knew right then and there that I could
deny you nothing. 
JANE -- Oh. Well you didn't have to lie about being able to drive to impress
me. 
CHRIS -- Really? You, you mean you would have gone out with me even if I had
told the truth?
JANE -- Well no, I would have thought you were a super dork. (laughs) I guess
you did have to go through all this. Now I feel sad that you'll probably go
to jail and be forced into a relationship with someone of your own sex.
CHRIS -- Eeeew Jane.  Eech. Hey, you know what would really top off the
evening here tonight?
JANE -- What?
CHRIS -- A kiss.
JANE --  Chris, we're going over eighty miles an hour.
CHRIS -- You're right. Now we're on a pretty straight road. (They kiss) Oh,
that was great. 
JANE -- I wish there was something I could do to help you.
CHRIS -- Really, you mean it?
JANE -- Yeah.
CHRIS -- Well, you know what? We could trade places.
JANE -- Now? You're kidding, won't I get in trouble?
CHRIS -- You just leave that to me, Jane.
JANE -- Okay. You're lucky you're so damn cute. (giggles) 

SQUAD CAR

FRED -- Well, get the horse's ass already.
HICKOX -- We're pursuing him Fred. 
FRED -- What the hell's that shotgun for, decoration? 
HICKOX -- Eh. That could do a number on your paint job, Fred.
FRED --  Well couldn't you just take out the rear windsheild?  
HICKOX --  I guess so.
FRED -- I could live with that.
HICKOX --  Well you're the public who pays our salary. If you say "kill" we
kill.

DATE CAR

CHRIS -- Kay. I'm Jee Oh. Okay now, just put your foot on top of mind  and
hold it there okay? Oh that feels kinda good doesn't it? 
JANE -- Wow. Imagine me, a law-abiding waitress in a high speed car chase.
 (Car passes road construction an puts them up on two wheels) 
CHRIS -- We're doing it. We're doing it. We're up on two wheels. This is so
cool.
POLICE LOUDSPEAKER -- This is your final warning. Pull over or we will shoot.

CHRIS -- They're so jealous.
 
JANE -- I've got to admit. That was fun. Good date.

CHRIS -- What seems to be the problem officer?
HICKOX -- Okay you two, out of the car.
CHRIS -- Uh, Officer I ah, I think this whole thing has been a
misunderstanding. Know what I mean? (Chris holds out a handful of change) 
FRED -- Chris!
CHRIS -- Dad!
HICKOX -- Okay what the hell's going on here? I thought you said the car was
stolen?
CHRIS - Stolen? No, no ho ho ho. Dad I, I'm sorry I, I thought I mentioned to
you I, I had a date tonight. I didn't think you'd mind if Jane and I borrowed
the car. Jane has a drivers license you know Dad. 
FRED -- I don't mind son, I just wish I would have known, it would have saved
us a harrowing car chase. She's quite a knockout, nice catch. 
HICKOX -- Okay now wait a second. Some serious laws have still been broken
here. They disobeyed an officer of the law and led us on a high-speed chase. 
CHRIS -- Wait a second. Is that what you think? I'll have you know sir, that
we were almost killed in that car. See what happened was the...gas pedal go
stuck...and, and the more we tried to...pull it out the... more it got stuck
and if it we're for this plucky lady right here well we'd both be dead right
now. 
HICKOX -- That's the most ridiculous story I've ever heard. 
FRED -- You know the same thing happened to me just last week.  I, I thought
it was a fluke. Boy, if it happened again while I was driving and my old
reflexes we're fast enough. Well you may have saved my life too little lady.
 FRED hugs JANE)
CHRIS -- (FRED continues hugging) Okay, Dad that's, that's enough. 
HICKOX -- Well I guess if you dad corroborates the story there's ah,  no harm
done. Eh but get that death-trap looked at.
FRED -- First thing in the morning officer.  I'm sorry to have caused you all
this trouble. 
HICKOX --  Oh that's okay the...donuts more than made up for it. 
FRED -- Here's something a little extra. (FRED hands him change)
CHRIS -- Gee Dad, thanks for making up that story and saving our hides.
FRED -- What story, the thing had me up on two wheels.
CHRIS -- Well I guess everything's great then. Come on.
JANE -- Uunnaa.
CHRIS -- Uunnaa what?
JANE -- I think you should tell your father the truth. 
CHRIS -- Are you nuts? I'm off the hook. Why would I put myself through
all...
JANE -- Do you want to see me again?
CHRIS -- Dad, I have a confession to make. I stole the car while you and Mom
were sleeping. I was driving without a license and we were running from the
police. 
FRED -- She was driving, I saw her.
CHRIS -- No, no, we, we traded places while we were driving.
FRED -- Wow, pretty neat.
CHRIS -- Dad, I want you to know that I, I learned a valuable lesson here
tonight, well actually quite a few lessons. Well let's see; never to drive
without a drivers license, don't run from the police and finally and, and
most importantly, driving is a privilege...and not a right. 
FRED -- Those are all fine lessons to learn son, only wish you'd learned them
fifteen years earlier like most people. 
CHRIS -- You mean you're not going to punish me, Dad? 
FRED -- What can I do, you're thirty years old. 
CHRIS -- (laughs) Yeah (laughs) I forgot. (laughs) Thanks Dad, I love you.
FRED --  Ah Come on, acting like Daddy's Boy in front of the girl is hurting
your chances at scoring. 
CHRIS -- Thanks Dad. 
FRED -- Come on kids, get in the car. I'll drive you home.
CHRIS -- Great. 
JANE -- Whatthe!
(Car goes up on two wheels)

THE END